Constriction & Expansion

I've been doing Adriene's HOME 30 day series this month. Every session is great, and I learn something new every time (either a pose, or a transition, or maybe something about myself). 

Today's theme is "return" - and this one was hard on me. Not physically, but hard on my spirit. Adriene gives little prompts throughout the video, to focus on the idea of "return" and what we might be trying to return to. Every time she gave the prompt, my mind would focus on the wish to return to what life was like before Sean had the stroke. Of course it's impossible to go back, to return to that life, and the wish itself feels foolish. So if not that, what can I seek to return to?

I was talking to Sean yesterday about how it feels like my life is slowly contracting. Before the stroke, it felt open, expansive, full of possibility. Being knocked into the Stroke Dimension made my world so much smaller, as I bounced between hospital, rehab, home, doctors' offices, errands & not much else. Then Covid hit, and suddenly my already constricted world got even smaller: going places was virtually eliminated, and we've only left the house for groceries and exercise for 6 months now. Then the wildfires came, and the air outside is hazardous to breathe - we can't even leave our house now. It feels like an aperture is slowly closing, like the next step is having to stay in one room, and then maybe a closet. I know this is temporary, and things will open up again, but right now, it just feels like the opposite. 

With that in mind, I shifted my focus, and instead of wishing to return to our former life, I wished instead for a return to expansiveness, openness, possibility. I don't want to feel so restricted and limited in everything I do. Maybe I can return to that feeling of wide open possibility. 

I'm not sure, but I'll keep working on it.